[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!