[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest