Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]
“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself
The Onion called it…again.
Me: One food please.
(At Target buying tampons)
10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!