ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton


I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.


*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.


I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.


Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”


If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.


I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself


(At Target buying tampons)

10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!