[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Midwest trash talk
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.