@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

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@CAshmanActor

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

@UnFitz

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

@DangerZoneJunky

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

@katlynmearns2

why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for

@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

@internetluke

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

@existential_d

[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]

*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky

@WhatevaConc

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@maisonwithapen

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes