Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.