RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.


I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning


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*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?


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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes