[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.