Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

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wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working


“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair


I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.


Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.


Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.


Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss


If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.


clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky


So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!


This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose