@PastorBate

Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

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@GrantTanaka

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

@FeelingEuphoric

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

@Adam14

I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.

@jessokfine

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

@JediGigi

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

@LeBearGirdle

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

@HatfieldAnne

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

@TweetPotato314

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

@RadioShorty

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

@limitlessjest

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose