I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future