Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

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I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.


I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.


Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.


if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.


[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy


Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here


Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.


I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”


You: Wth is wrong with you?
Me: I learned to dance during the 80’s..