restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If I ignore life will it go away?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
how long have you had this for?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
No. He’s not coming out to play
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor