[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
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(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Good dog. ❤️
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I mean…but I did
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
This meal prepping shit easy
I am a gravy boat captain
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”