WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

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Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.


Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots


A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus


Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.


If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.


If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.



not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos


not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.


I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.


Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…