[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay