[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
M A Y O N N A I S E
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…
Sitting on my face…”