@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

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@rickolantern

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

@AdamTheLobster

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

@joejwest

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

@KimmyMonte

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

@kcmoore51

Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors

@trevso_electric

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

@mrtruthandsoul

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.