U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
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“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?