@realbjdunne

[restaurant]

waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you

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@tayandmae

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

@AndyAsAdjective

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

@MissHavisham

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

@caitieekk

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

@AimeeHelene1

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@chuuew

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

@JaiWalker

*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
*panics*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
thank GOD.

@charliedelta7

I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow