[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Chicago sounds lovely.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York