Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

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Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that’s where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem


Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks


Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*


I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting


*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”


Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok


NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?


While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.


parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide


Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.

C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.