[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Super Hand Dog Face
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt