[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
lol
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.