@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

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@heyitsJudeD

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

@mydmac

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

@ClichedOut

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

@cellapaz

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

@momjeansplease

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

@anhonestmess

This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p

@LoveNLunchmeat

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

@SassyCanadian75

Dear wine,
We had a deal.
You were to make me funnier, sexier, smarter and a better dancer.

I saw the video.

We need to talk