[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
three things we don’t talk about
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
#NoRestForTheWicked
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor