@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

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@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

@thehubrispanda

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

@3sunzzz

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

@ZachSvobodny

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

@murrman5

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

@anniemalistics

Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]

@LeBearGirdle

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

@ArfMeasures

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather