Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting


“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”


My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.


Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.


They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.


the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”


Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am


This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p


Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.


Dear wine,
We had a deal.
You were to make me funnier, sexier, smarter and a better dancer.

I saw the video.

We need to talk