[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?
Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
i love meeting boys on tinder
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
Daughter: So I gather