@fro_vo

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

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@Mr_Kapowski

7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?

Me: You got a warrant?

@DaddyJew

My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he’s brain dead

@daplusk

My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@tiemoose

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

@jergarl

Wife: Are you drunk?

Me: I know this is a trick question so I’m going with no. Why?

W: Because you’re naked on the neighbors porch.

M:…

@KeetPotato

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

@SirEviscerate

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.