Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

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Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??


convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.


Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.


They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.


I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.


Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.


My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??


If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.

Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.


I’m eating the last of the pizza rolls but I’m puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it’s like to get their hopes crushed.


COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild