35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
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Me: You got a warrant?
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[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Wife: Are you drunk?
Me: I know this is a trick question so I’m going with no. Why?
W: Because you’re naked on the neighbors porch.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.