@fro_vo

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

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@heyitsJudeD

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

@danadonly

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

@Schmoodles

Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@kimtopher22

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

@highinamerica

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

@DawnLovesZombie

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

@FierceMess

If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.

Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.

@SaltyCorpse

I’m eating the last of the pizza rolls but I’m puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it’s like to get their hopes crushed.

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild