[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The Onion called it…again.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*