I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I missed you with all my darts
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good