WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

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“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.


Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw


I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude


*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again


fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.


I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?


Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want


Husband: I know the kids are driving you crazy, just walk away for a bit and you’ll feel a lot better

Me, now living on a deserted island: what do you know, he was right


Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays