@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

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@TheWeirdWorld

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw

@Rozb7aleeb

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

@mattZillaaaa

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

@VisionBored1

Husband: I know the kids are driving you crazy, just walk away for a bit and you’ll feel a lot better

Me, now living on a deserted island: what do you know, he was right

@Dustinkcouch

Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays