[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Very good! 👍😂
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.