[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
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Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock