wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza

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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”


My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her


CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me


I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.


My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.


[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?


If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?