If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.