[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
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#damn
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
That eye roll….
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Sing it!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.