Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?