Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 馃槅
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend鈥檚 nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn鈥檛 matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Well, my evening plans are ruined
if i ask for your hoodie it鈥檚 not because i like you, it鈥檚 for witchcraft.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can鈥檛 I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.