Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Called it
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My plans: 2020:
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.