restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.