restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.