Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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Taliband
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.