Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you


VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions



“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”


*priest drops bible*


I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.


him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak


Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol


Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?


I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.