@Manda_like_wine

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

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@pleatedjeans

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

@hippieswordfish

‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’

uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

@lecalabara

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@andlikelaura

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

@yerpalmildsauce

I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–

*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*

@gabbazaba

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

@bobby

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.