Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.