RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
This is my bus stop.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When news reporters do sports stories
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Lol
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime