[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
See..?
.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.