[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”