Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Sunday
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me