Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night