Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape