*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My astrological sign is KFC gravy