@TheAlexP

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

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@_ElvishPresley_

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

@WittySassBasket

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

@Jamberee13

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

@CIAGoFundMe

2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife

2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69

@ToxicProbably

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

@tdwyer618

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.

@matt___nelson

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

@JediGigi

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?