detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I have eaten
and cut open
I really thought
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife
2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.
JESUS: so I’m u
JESUS: and ur me
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?