One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes