[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
A duv-egg? In this economy?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
This probably isn’t good
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
so this horse walks into a bar
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
we all know this pain all too well
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?