[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
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My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.