I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.