*returns lost dog*

Lady: That’s not him. He was white

Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward

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Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?


A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.


*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.


Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.



Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.


This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen


“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…


if i ever got a tattoo it would be something meaningful in Chinese but deliberately misspelled to say, like, may all your trees be cantaloupes, so smug smart people would sneer at me but i’d privately be judging THEM for being pompous jerks guess how many friends i have


Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.


Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no