Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk