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Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home