retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
for all #parents out there
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
john wicks are toilet candles
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.