@Mr_Mike_Clarke

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

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@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@QwertyJones3

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

@HumorParasite

Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

@JBwol

Shout out to my Dad who has accidentally listed 600 seals and 180 of their pups for sale on Facebook.