My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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So what’s your name?
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
*takes your compliment*
*stares nervously at it*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Shout out to my Dad who has accidentally listed 600 seals and 180 of their pups for sale on Facebook.