“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums