Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
You Might Also Like
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!