Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys