Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Realize this:
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
damn he’s good
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
No. YOU-buprofen.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store