Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell “OMG! I’m on my way now!” & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Cow: I mean – moo
Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?
Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.