@GuyThe_Guy

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

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@sonictyrant

Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster

@KKAlThani

My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell “OMG! I’m on my way now!” & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.

@ThugRaccoons

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

@Holy_Mowgli

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

@ChicksRule

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

@AK_Holica

Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?

@sozjalltheway

Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.

@iamspacegirl

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

@SondraDeeMe

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.