@Tresca69

Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect

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@blade_funner

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

@FredTaming

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

@princess_snide

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

@Shwetangles

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

@PoodleSnarf

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

@Gooooats

Me: I love you.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.

@pauvrelapinou

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@Cheeseboy22

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you