Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect

You Might Also Like


Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.


[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe


Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.


If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.


You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa


Me: I love you.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.


Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer


I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad


Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.


*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you