March 16
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers