*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
You Might Also Like
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Whoa 😂
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.