Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
58.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.