[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

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Before college, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but now I’m confident I have no idea what I’m doing.


*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”


My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.


“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs


[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”


That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?


Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!



SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?