Before college, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but now I’m confident I have no idea what I’m doing.
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
You Might Also Like
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”
That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?