[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans